I want to lose weight so badly. I want to be skinnier, and healthier, I want to beat my diabetes, my sleep apnea, and my PCOS. I picture myself walking down the beach hand in hand with Greg and Sophie, my feet tickled by the waves, my hair blowing gently in the wind and I can walk for miles. I picture myself running the track with my Special Olympics' athletes instead of waiting at the start line during practices. I picture myself walking into JcPennys' Khols, or other stores and going right to a dress I like and finding it in my size. Not wishing they made it in plus sized. I picture myself shopping at these places and actually enjoying the clothes instead of feeling like a frumpy old grandma. I picture myself being able to bend down and tie my shoes without feeling out of breath.
I want this badly. I tell everyone when they ask about how I am doing on this journey, I am impatient! I would have the surgery tomorrow if I could. Today would be better. I can not wait for the the day I get my approval letter, for the day I schedule my surgery. In a perfect world my surgery will be covered at 100% and it will be done by my doctor of choice, Dr. McKenna at Aurora, on Monday February 18th 2019, at precisely 8:00 a.m. surgery will go fantastic, and I will be a beast up and walking by 5p.m. and discharged the next day.
I can not wait for that to come to fruition.
However, I struggle. I struggle daily because I love carbs. My weakness is spaghetti and garlic bread. I mindlessly eat this meal till I feel bursting. I love french fries, and tacos, and Pepsi. I am struggling with this. I struggle because its all around me. I struggle because its there in front of me. I am offered soda on a daily basis. Because currently we are living with my parents, I try to make a menu that is one affordable for 10 people, and two something everyone likes and will eat. I try to be considerate of others tastes and dislikes, as well as what they can and can not have. This is hard to do. I try to make meals that are easily able to be changed to fit my needs. However sometimes, like this week, I am not in charge of the menu. So I struggle. I struggle as pasta is a staple in my family, as is soda.
Some people eat for comfort. I get that. I do it when I am stressed- which this past six months have been full of stress. I do it when I am angry. These times I go for carb rich food. Doritos with spray cheese, peanut butter cup stuffed rice krispy treats, spaghetti, mac n cheese. This is self sabotage.
I need to remember that no matter how I am feeling, no matter how stressed or angry I get, nothing is worth losing my health. This is my personal struggle. Something I need help with.
Sabotage can come in many forms, and many places. It can come from the well meaning family member who just wants you happy. Or maybe the insecure person who is afraid of your success. Or the selfish person who just doesn't care to take the time to learn. Or the well meaning spouse who sees your struggle and wants to reward your behavior, but is still stuck in the mindset that food is a reward.
As some one who struggles with food addiction, I have to change my mindset. Instead of living to eat, I need to eat to live. Meaning, food is just fuel to my body to be at its prime. It is not a reward, it is not a punishment. I need to remember that. I need to chose good food like good proteins and veggies to give my body the best chance it has at being healthy. It means no more mindless eating. No more 64 oz Pepsi's. No more Doritos with spray cheese.
It also means I need to surround myself with people who support me. This is probably my number one outside need. Probably anyone's who is going through the surgery process, or making life style changes. A support system, a strong one. Some may ask what does this look like. A supportive person is there for me to vent on my frustrations and struggles, they listen, they encourage me to move on, and power through. A supportive person is there to listen to and celebrate my successes, whether it be a small one or a large hurdle I accomplished. A supportive person understands my food restrictions and does not comment on them. They understand carbs are a no no, straws, gum, and carbonation are all something I need to restrict. They understand that exercise is a daily need, just as important as the right food. They are the ones offering to go for a walk with me. The ones holding me accountable. They speak positivity instead of negativity. This can be done in person, in text, on messenger, on Facebook, Instagram, on my blog, a phone call email, letter.
Surrounding myself with positive people, and a strong support system, I need to move away from the negative people. The ones that are sabotaging either on purpose or who don't realize they are trying to sabotage. I have to do this for myself, for my family, for my daughter, so I can be around for a very long time.
Normally I am not a selfish person. I give of my time and other resources, sometimes hurting myself in the process, but for the next three years, I am going to have to become incredibly selfish so I can work on myself, so I can still give of my time and resources. My number one focus needs to be on myself. I think this right here, is going to be my greatest struggle. I enjoy helping people however I can. I will continue to do so, but instead of helping them as my number one focus, I need to shift that focus into helping me. I believe anyone going through this process needs to surround themselves with positive people, supportive people, they need to limit the exposure to the negative people, even if its family, and they need to be selfish. They need to worry about them, so they can take care of others.
On a plane they tell you that if the oxygen masks come down, you are to put your's on first, then help your child, or others. The reasoning is you help yourself first, your are strong and better equipped to help others. Focusing on your health is the same thing. We have to focus on ourselves, get healthy, and strong, and then we can help others.
Now I am not saying to go buck wild, and leave your responsibilities to the wayside. You still need to be a parent, wife, husband, co-worker, that is productive. Instead of volunteering to take that extra shift, use the time to work out. Instead of watching television with your family, go for a walk with your family, instead of going out for pizza to celebrate, make something healthy as a family. Instead of volunteering to bake brownies for the school bake sale, go exercise, and then offer to help with clean up, or make a donation.
I have to give myself permission to think about myself. And sometimes that is okay.
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