Food, Sabotage, and Being Selfish

I want to lose weight so badly. I want to be skinnier, and healthier, I want to beat my diabetes, my sleep apnea, and my PCOS.  I picture myself walking down the beach hand in hand with Greg and Sophie, my feet tickled by the waves, my hair blowing gently in the wind and I can walk for miles.  I picture myself running the track with my Special Olympics' athletes instead of waiting at the start line during practices. I picture myself walking into JcPennys' Khols, or other stores and going right to a dress I like and finding it in my size. Not wishing they made it in plus sized. I picture myself shopping at these places and actually enjoying the clothes instead of feeling like a frumpy old grandma.  I picture myself being able to bend down and tie my shoes without feeling out of breath.

I want this badly. I tell everyone when they ask about how I am doing on this journey, I am impatient! I would have the surgery tomorrow if I could. Today would be better. I can not wait for the the day I get my approval letter, for the day I schedule my surgery. In a perfect world my surgery will be covered at 100% and it will be done by my doctor of choice, Dr. McKenna at Aurora, on Monday February 18th 2019, at precisely 8:00 a.m. surgery will go fantastic, and I will be a beast up and walking by 5p.m. and discharged the next day. 

I can not wait for that to come to fruition.

However, I struggle. I struggle daily because I love carbs. My weakness is spaghetti and garlic bread. I mindlessly eat this meal till I feel bursting. I love french fries, and tacos, and Pepsi. I am struggling with this. I struggle because its all around me. I struggle because its there in front of me. I am offered soda on a daily basis.  Because currently we are living with my parents, I try to make a menu that is one affordable for 10 people, and two something everyone likes and will eat. I try to be considerate of others tastes and dislikes, as well as what they can and can not have.  This is hard to do. I try to make meals that are easily able to be changed to fit my needs. However sometimes, like this week, I am not in charge of the menu. So I struggle.  I struggle as pasta is a staple in my family, as is soda.

Some people eat for comfort. I get that. I do it when I am stressed- which this past six months have been full of stress. I do it when I am angry. These times I go for carb rich food. Doritos with spray cheese, peanut butter cup stuffed rice krispy treats, spaghetti, mac n cheese.  This is self sabotage.

I need to remember that no matter how I am feeling, no matter how stressed or angry I get, nothing is worth losing my health. This is my personal struggle. Something I need help with.

Sabotage can come in many forms, and many places. It can come from the well meaning family member who just wants you happy. Or maybe the insecure person who is afraid of your success. Or the selfish person who just doesn't care to take the time to learn. Or the well meaning spouse who sees your struggle and wants to reward your behavior, but is still stuck in the mindset that food is a reward.

As some one who struggles with food addiction, I have to change my mindset. Instead of living to eat, I need to eat to live. Meaning, food is just fuel to my body to be at its prime. It is not a reward, it is not a punishment.  I need to remember that. I need to chose good food like good proteins and veggies to give my body the best chance it has at being healthy. It means no more mindless eating. No more 64 oz Pepsi's. No more Doritos with spray cheese.

It also means I need to surround myself with people who support me. This is probably my number one outside need. Probably anyone's who is going through the surgery process, or making life style changes. A support system, a strong one. Some may ask what does this look like. A supportive person is there for me to vent on my frustrations and struggles, they listen, they encourage me to move on, and power through. A supportive person is there to listen to and celebrate my successes, whether it be a small one or a large hurdle I accomplished. A supportive person understands my food restrictions and does not comment on them. They understand carbs are a no no, straws, gum, and carbonation are all something I need to restrict. They understand that exercise is a daily need, just as important as the right food. They are the ones offering to go for a walk with me. The ones holding me accountable. They speak positivity instead of negativity. This can be done in person, in text, on messenger, on Facebook, Instagram, on my blog, a phone call email, letter.

Surrounding myself with positive people, and a strong support system, I need to move away from the negative people. The ones that are sabotaging either on purpose or who don't realize they are trying to sabotage. I have to do this for myself, for my family, for my daughter, so I can be around for a very long time.

Normally I am not a selfish person. I give of my time and other resources, sometimes hurting myself in the process, but for the next three years, I am going to have to become incredibly selfish so I can work on myself, so I can still give of my time and resources. My number one focus needs to be on myself. I think this right here, is going to be my greatest struggle. I enjoy helping people however I can. I will continue to do so, but instead of helping them as my number one focus, I need to shift that focus into helping me. I believe anyone going through this process needs to surround themselves with positive people, supportive people, they need to limit the exposure to the negative people, even if its family, and they need to be selfish. They need to worry about them, so they can take care of others.

On a plane they tell you that if the oxygen masks come down, you are to put your's on first, then help your child, or others. The reasoning is you help yourself first, your are strong and better equipped to help others. Focusing on your health is the same thing. We have to focus on ourselves, get healthy, and strong, and then we can help others.

Now I am not saying to go buck wild, and leave your responsibilities to the wayside. You still need to be a parent, wife, husband, co-worker, that is productive. Instead of volunteering to take that extra shift, use the time to work out. Instead of watching television with your family, go for a walk with your family, instead of going out for pizza to celebrate, make something healthy as a family. Instead of volunteering to bake brownies for the school bake sale, go exercise, and then offer to help with clean up, or make a donation.

I have to give myself permission to think about myself.  And sometimes that is okay.

Surgery Tools

Like everything else, this surgery needs certain things to help it be successful.
Me- the willing dedicated patient

Doctor- Dr. M.K. who will be preforming the surgery hopefully February 18, 2019.

Support System- Family/friends I hope to grow this circle.

Support for Sophie- We need someone or a team of someones, to help get Soph where we need her to be when we need her to be there. School, therapy, Special Olympics, cheer, are all things we are going to need to figure out, since I won't be able to drive for 2-6 weeks after the surgery.

Reading Materials- I will need books to read during recovery. I will also need other activities to do while recovering. I am thinking I will probably set up the entire 2019 bullet journal during recovery. I would also really like to learn how to successfully crochet.

Non Food Rewards- it is important to reward yourself (myself) for meeting goals I have set both before and after surgery. Since I am trying to be healthy it means rewarding myself with Peanut Butter Chocolate Ice Cream from Baskin Robbins, is a no go. So I need to figure out what I can reward myself with.

New Sneakers for all the walking I will be doing. Its a lot. I expect myself to be up and walking the same day after surgery.

Tiny Bariatric Silver

Warming Plate

Thermal Water Bottle

Electric Blanket- I've heard that people freeze after surgery. I live in Wisconsin, and plan on having my surgery 2/18/19, I am fully planning on freezing.

Air Fryer

Nutri Ninja- for all the protein shakes... although my program does not like them, I will still be on liquid diets for 2-6 weeks.

Small Plates- Small plates trick your mind into thinking you are eating more then you are actually eating.

4oz Containers, 6 oz Containers, 8 oz Containers- Reusable.

Gastric Cookbook filled with recipes for our new life.

Wireless Headphones

Body Pillow for after surgery for comfort and support.

Hats/ Scarves for after surgery to help with hair loss. or just a ton of gift cards/etc for extensions. Hair loss is one of my big fears. I already have hair loss due to my PCOS, and to me long hair is so feminine. With my lack of fertility.... anything that makes me feel more feminine is important to me, so my hair is super important.

Fuzzy Socks to keep feet warm in the hospital

Waterproof belt for walking/running

Food Scale

Ice Machine

Lots of good Hydrating Lotion. ( I love Hemp Sea Salt and Sandlewood)

Lots of goof hydrating lip gloss/chap stick

Gift-cards for clothing stores for after surgery. Will need clothes fast after surgery.

Stuff to Pamper myself with...

I do have an on going list on Amazon. I plan on asking for these items for Christmas

.  https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2KWZT6A4Y7D68?&sort=default

Surgery Bucket List

Not only do I have a "40 By 40" List.... I have a surgery bucket list. Right now as of 10/17/2018 at 11:00 p.m. I have only three things on this list. But these will be difficult to achieve.

1.) Sheetz hotdog with Chili --> the closest Sheetz to Green Bay is in Ohio, its like 400 miles away, and to get one I will either need to road trip to Ohio. Or get a friend or family member to send me one from Sheetz. These hot dogs were a staple for Greg and I when we first got married. They were delicious, cheap, and they filled us up. We would get four, along with a bag of Doritos Hot Salsa Chips, and I would mix Cherry Slurpie with 7-Up. For the two of us in 2002, it was a $8 meal. Great for newlyweds on a budget.
Jozwaiks pizza with family --> My family is seriously busy. Isn't everyone? There is hunting, basketball, racing, cheer, my grandma's surgery, and none of actually live in the same town. But it is also such a family staple. Funerals and celebrations are spent at Jozwaiks with my family taking up most of the dining room. Our loud boisterous laughter filling the air.

Margaritas with Meme--> Meme is my best friend. She has been there for me every time I needed her since I was a little girl. I have looked up to her. She makes me laugh, she makes me cry, and she seriously has gotten me through some of the worst things in my life. We used to spend so much time together, weekends shopping, weekends just hanging out watching lifetime movies, weekends doing yard work, road trips, laughing uncontrollably on the couch, weekends at the cabin. Since we have become moms, and our lives have gotten busier, it seems we are always just in passing, never really spending time together. So I'd love to spend sometime with Meme and our favorite beverage of margaritas. If we could do it poolside even better.

While this really isn't a bucket list item, it is a wish. I would love to have a "Good Bye Party" before surgery. At this party I would say good bye to 'The Ol' Fat Thigh" 'Sinora Cabenara" "Asta La vista Pizza" among other things. Basically a night with family and friends, right before my surgery, to kick off my new healthy life style, and officially put closure on my old life style.

40 By 40

On October 8th, I turned 36. I am starting the downward slide to 40. Although this may bother most. It does not me. One, I still feel like I am 23. I hope I act like I am 23 as well. Old enough to know better, but still to young to care.  I probably act more like a old grandmother, fussing over friends and family.  Two, I am excited for the next four years. I have goals I want to achieve, and I am taking steps to achieve them by 40.  I have 40 of those goals actually...  Along with my weight loss journey, I will also be documenting this as well. It kind of goes hand and hand with my weight loss journey.

40 By 40 1.) Adopt Sapphira 2.) build/purchase dream house 3.) Get to my goal weight and size 4.) have a healthy baby 5.) Renew vows in Scotland 6.) 4 published novels 7.) Autism book published 8.) Sell 200 vacations 9.) Go horse back riding 10.) Inspire Someone 12.) complete 40 random acts of kindness 13.) Host a Fancy Cocktail Party 14.) Host a Roaring 20s New Years Eve Party 15.) learn how to Crochet 16.) Be a birth Photographer 17.) Visit a Vineyard with Friends 18.) Color my hair Pink for Breast Cancer Awareness 19.) Romantic Picnic 20.) Visit a Renaissance Fair 21.) Bike Mackinac Island 22.) Stay on Mackinac Island 23.) Audition for Musical 24.) Take a Road Trip with my Best Friend 25.) Go to Disney World 26.) Go Ziplining 27.) See the Northern Lights 28.) Photograph the Northern Lights 29.) learn to ballroom dance 30.) Go Christmas Caroling 31.) See The Fairy Pools in Scotland 32.) Workout with the Fitness Marshal 33.) be in a pin up photo shoot 34.) Visit Italy-Meet Sofia’s Family 35.) Sleep in a Castle 36.) 40 random kind notes on strangers windshield 37.) Celebrate St.Patricks Day in Chicago 38.) Visit 20 states I’ve never been to. (Bringing my state count up to 40) 39.) invite someone without family to my family holiday dinner 40.) 40 volunteer hours in my church.

Faith, Fitness, and Truth

I recently read an article on Facebook about weight Loss. In it the author emphatically said "weight loss is in a person's control." There are no outside factors to weight gain except that fat people are lazy and eat to much. They firmly believed this and dismissed any medical evidence negating this. Medical evidence such as genes, thyroid disease, PCOS, or other factors such as medications and environment. The author firmly stated "You want to lose weight? Shut your mouth and exercise. No one is going to help you, not God, not a personal trainer, no one." At the end of the "article" was a plug from the author trying to sell a $7000.00 weight loss system. 

As ridiculous as most of the article was, there was some good points. To really lose weight, you need to want to lose weight. You have to have dedication to lose weight. Be dedicated to a work out schedule, to a new way of eating. You need to put in hard work, sweat, tears, and blood to lose weight. No one can do that for you. Even those of us who chose to use the tool of weight lose surgery. The surgeon doesn't go in, cut out the stomach and viola! Skinny. If only it was that easy. It's not, I have watched My 600 pound life, I have talked to patients who have had LapBand, The sleeve, and RNY.  

In fact I am on month four of a six month process to be approved for surgery. (More on this later) 

To qualify for the surgery first you need your regular doctor to refer to the program. Dr. C and I have had many conversations about my weight, and different options. Weight Loss was something we both wanted me to check out.  Most places have some sort of surgery seminar or meeting where they go through the surgery. From there I need to meet with dietitians and nurse practitioner every month, once a month for six months. There s also some sort of therapy component to the program. (I had to go once, do a test, and talk to the therapist.) There is blood tests, and sleep tests, and meetings with occupational or physical therapist, there is documentation of everything. Including everything I put into my mouth. There are vitamin regiments you need to start that you will be on the rest of your life. This is just the approval process.  

There is pre-operation which in most cases includes a liver shrinking diet, as well as a liquid diet for a certain amount of time. Then surgery- major surgery with at least a 1-2 night hospital stay, followed by more liquid diet, more therapy, walking daily. 

If you are a woman in child bearing years, you become instantly insanely fertile. Your body is going through major changes, so most programs do not want you to get pregnant with in the first 18-24 months. My personal program is I am required to go on 2 forms of birth control for two years. The plan at this time is Mirena inserted at the same time as my surgery. 

Patients put their lives on hold for this surgery. It is a major commitment, and major life change, for essentially a tool to HELP with weight loss. As a patient you need to be 100% committed to the program and have faith in the process. 

Faith... You hear this word probably on a daily basis. "Have faith in the process."  "I rely on my faith." "Have faith in me." But what does faith mean? According to dictonary.com there are two meanings of the word faith. 1.) complete trust or confidence in someone or something. 2.) Strong belief in God, or in the doctrines of a religion based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof. 

To lose weight or get healthy, you do need to believe in whatever program you chose to help you with your weight lose. There are many to chose from. Currently I am in the process of getting approved for weight loss surgery.  I am eating less carbs, drinks less soda, eating more veggies, choosing low fat over high fat. I am also reading "The Obesity Code" by Jason Fung. This book makes so much sense to me. This summer I was doing "Lazy Keto." By have switched to something similar only with out such high fat content. I've lost 25 pounds since January. Its a slow process but I believe in it. I have faith in it. 

You need to believe in your ability to exercise- to some degree. I fake it till I make it. I do water aerobics several times a week, I love it! It is hard for me, but I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Depending on the teacher it can be extremely intense. 

I have faith that along with good food choices, my exercises is going to help improve my health. 

I have faith that God may help me. He is not magically melting pounds off of me, that is not what I mean. But every time I feel discouraged, or upset. I say a little prayer. "God help me have the will power to make it through." I mutter this, and soon I find myself being complimented on my weight loss, or my increased energy. Something small, but something that gives me a little boost. Just like a little wink from God. 

So truth time. 

I've posted this on my Facebook page, so I apologize if you read this already. 

This summer I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and high blood pressure. Dr. C told me I would not make it to forty if I didn’t make some serious changes. I have. I’ve been trying to stay away from soda, and carbs, and exercising more.

I’ve done a lot of thinking and praying and have decided that I am going to do the RNY bariatric surgery. I am in the program now. My insurance has a ton of crazy requirements, so once I meet these the program will submit to my insurance for approval or denial. This will be around January. I am hoping I can have my surgery either late February or Early March.

I know some may feel this is the easy way, but believe me it’s not. I have to do a ton of things to even just get approved. It’s a tool to help me lose weight. A tool that I have faith in. I have faith in my doctors, and in my team to help me through this. 

The next year or so will be super emotional for me. It’s an emotional process. I will need a ton of support as it will be a totally different lifestyle then what I am used to. Family support is crucial to the program and they encourage family/friends to be an active part of the process. So if you ever want to come to meetings or appointments please let me know.

Please follow this blog with me on my journey.