Balance

Like many people one of my biggest struggles is finding balance between my family, my work, and myself. Something that is super important for me to be doing is exercising on a daily basis. Finding the time to do so is a challenge for me.

My daughter, "S" has autism. She is 12 and while she is pretty high functioning, she struggles with communication. She has a modified school schedule, and does therapy four days a week for four hours, and then also has another program two nights a week. She sees a counselor twice a month for past trauma with her biological parents. She needs extensive help with understanding her homework, especially math, and reading. Reading which trickles down to every other area of her life.

Besides that she competes on a cheerleading team, and is involved with Special Olympics. Both of which I volunteer within different roles. Both are a lot of fun, but another thing she needs transport to.

Recently, we had a five year old girl "T" placed with us in an emergency situation. She also has a schedule, and fitting the two of their schedules, into my work schedule, and my husband's schedule, and trying to figure out times to exercise is extremely hard. The classes I love and that motivate me the most are in the mornings, while my daughter is in therapy, and I am driving "T" to school then racing to work.

Its hard to find balance in the chaos and I would be lying if I said I found it. I have not. So despite my plans, thoughts, goals, the last two months I have not lost anything. Which means I have not yet lost the required weight to be approved for my surgery. What this means is from now until January I need to be in constant beast mode and lose 30 pounds. I need to stop letting myself not work out at night when I am utterly exhausted. I need to reach down deep and do the work. I need to stop breaking the promises I made to myself.

This is huge, I am big on promises. I never break one.... unless its a promise to myself. This year I am going to lose weight, become rich, move into my dream home, learn guitar, how to knit, and travel to Scotland all while I write the world's greatest novel and be the world's best mom. I say this every single year. And every year I find myself breaking that promise to myself. I find myself justifying breaking the promises to myself so I can do for others.

So this next month I CAN NOT break this promise. I have to keep this promise to do my best, to try my best, to every day put good fuel into my body and not junk. To drink 150 oz of water each day. To work out every day. to get my steps in.

If I don't what will happen? If I don't meet this goal, I will lose out on surgery. I will have to leave the program and start over in another six months. No big deal right?  Wrong! I always put it off, I say "I will start my diet tomorrow.." "Next year I will lose the weight.." Meanwhile I am miserable in my own skin, I am sick, and tired, physically exhausted, I have no energy. I have Type 2 diabetes. The same disease that a good friend of my husband's just lost his foot for. Another friend lost their sight to. Yeah I am kind of attached to my feet, and to my eye sight. So I need to fix this now, and stop procrastinating.

I do not have a plan at this time, or a road map of how to achieve this thirty pound weight loss... I am kind of shell shocked that it has come to this, that I am this close to losing something I have worked so hard for the last 12 months. While I have already lost 30 pounds, I did so before starting this program officially with the Weight Loss Team, so I have another 30 to lose.

I am also feeling like sh*t tonight. I have a massive headache and I feel like if I could projectile vomit all over the room circa "The Exorcist" I would feel so much better.  So planning that road map to success is gruesome for me right now when every heartbeat my head feels like its going to explode. Counter to that rhythm, is the thought drumming away at me " I need to figure this out. I need to plan it out, map it out, write it out, and post it EVERYWHERE.

One thing I know... is it has to be one step at a time. One meal at a time. One cardio session at a time, one squat at a time. One foot in front of the other.

Today for breakfast I had a half cup of green beans, 1/2 cup cottage cheese, and six slices of hard salami washed down with 24 oz of water.  (Not shown is the hard salami) I put this on a small six inch plate, so that it looked like a ton of food, and tricked my mind into believing I was eating more than I was.

Lunch was 1/2 cup green beans. 4 hard boiled eggs, and six slices of hard salami. At this point in the day I had 124 oz of water. I was floating to the bathroom every 30-45 minutes.

As of 7:10 pm tonight, as I write this blog, I have not had supper. Around 2:30 pm this after I started feeling ishy. It has gotten worst since then, with the general feeling of if I could just do that vomit thing I would feel better...

I have 164 oz of water in at this point.


5000 steps, 100 squats, and 20 crunches. I am doing a 30 day "Butt and Gut" challenge that officially starts January 1st, but I started a little early.

So I sign off of the blog today with no plan, but a promise to myself that the next 30 days I am going to work the hardest I have ever worked in my life on me, myself and I. Fitting I believe because in 30 days is mine and Greg's 17th anniversary.  I plan on celebrating by getting my date with the surgeon.

Financing Surgery

One of the biggest road blocks to having Weight Loss Surgery is how to pay for it. People go to crazy lengths, such as taking out loans, borrowing from family, doing gofundme pages. Some people resort to flying to Mexico and having it done. Its about 10,000-20,000 cheaper there.

I know myself that is my worry. How will I pay for this. Due to how my insurance is, I have to be in the program six months, meet certain goals with appointments, and weight loss. Then all that documentation all gets sent into the insurance. At that time they decide if I have been approved or not. My documentation goes in after my visit in January. Which means my insurance restarts in January. Which means depending on how long it takes them to process the claims for my husband's doctors appointments, IV therapy, and his colonoscopy, I could have to pay anything for nothing to $3500.00.

That is a huge difference. I don't know about most people, but I certainly don't just have an extra $3500 laying around. Every dollar is carefully budgeted and earmarked for specific places. This much goes to rent, this much to the car and insurance... Every expense is carefully budgeted in, and the surprise factor of this is driving me nuts.

I don't want to do gofundme or other crowdfunding campaign... they take a large portion of the proceeds, and to be honest, I could never ask people for money for this.

A second job won't work, as I have a busy life being a mom and a wife, as well as trying to exercise.

I don't have a rich relative I can just ask for money from.

So I am kind of stuck at this point trying to figure out about an extra $4200. $3500 for my co-pay, and an extra $700 to purchase me some clothes to start off with as well as most the items on my wish list to help me succeed in surgery. Things like water bottles, an ice cube makers, an air fyer, a barbaric cook book, a fluffy bathrobe and matching socks. Not to mention the personal trainer that is recommended after weight loss surgery so you can learn how to exercise effectively and have accountability.

This is also not taking into account that many people have to have painful and costly skin removal surgery after they lose all this weight. This is often not paid for by insurance. I know something I want to do as soon as I am approved, is a breast reduction. I've wanted one since I was in fourth grade and standing in front of a mirror at the Fashion Bug unable to find an outfit I liked for Easter. It was solidified when at 18 my sister's then boyfriend told me  "anything more than a mouth full you are risking a sprained tongue." Well I definitely have more than a mouth full. I could suffocate someone with just one of my boobs. ( I am looking at you Gerard Butler)

I know I sound like I am whining with the cost. While it is something I am trying to work out, I know I need do this surgery. I know it is expensive, but it will be worth it.

I've been wanting to write this blog for a while, surely I am not the only one struggling to think of ways to pay for the massive co-pays, and medicine/vitamins.

One suggestion would be to reduce monthly cost. We have canceled our Netflix and our Audible accounts. Instead we are using Overdrive to rent books on tape, and we found out that with Sprint we get a free Hulu membership. How do I watch "Orange is the New Black", "Fuller House" and the "Santa Clarita Diet"  we watch them when we can over at my mom's house, or if one of my sister's comes over we watch it that way as well.  But let's be honest, with two kids, work, and trying to get in our exercise, lazily watching television is not real high up on our to do list. I am a season and half behind on "Lucifer" and did Amy and Sheldon ever get married?

Another suggestion is to give up your coffee. I see this on pretty much every money saving blog, fundraising blog, etc. However this assumes that you are spending $5 daily on coffee. Which is something we don't do. Never have, never will. I don't smoke, and I rarely drink alcohol, so those aren't costing me anything. I don't really have a daily habit or vise that cost me money. So while this might work for others, for my husband and I this piece of advice is a mute point.

There are the obvious fundraising choices such as a Bake Sale, Spaghetti Dinner, or car wash. Which would work for an adoption fundraiser. These are great options. I just did a bake sale with my daughter's cheer gym, every thing was a dollar and we made around 300. Which is great. However I need something bigger.

What am I good at? Photography and graphic design. I have an Etsy page selling greeting cards and announcements. I also have a Facebook Page as well. I need to get better about posting on there.

There are a hundred different ways to work at home, but I have found most of the fruitful ones, there are no positions available at this time, and the other ones you are getting paid pennies an hour.  I still continue to look into different opportunities with these. If I find something that I find works, and is more then a few cents an hour, I will be sure to post it.

Babysitting is a great option for those who can fit it in their schedule. For me personally it is not going to work as our schedules are pretty crazy. My husband works full time, I work part time to full time depending on the week. However I also have my daughter's schedule. She has in home therapy for her autism four mornings a week. I am required to be in the home for those hours. She also has two nights a week she goes to a second autism intervention program where I need to transport her to and from. She has cheer and Special Olympics. Both things I volunteer for. Which I feel is super important.

Dog walking- people in Wisconsin- or at least in Northeast Wisconsin tend to walk their own dogs. If they want a dog walker it is usually to Jonny or Suzie Teenager.  But for those of you reading this who live in a bigger city, this may be a great option for you.

Direct Sales- This is a great option for someone who has the personality to really push sales. I personally do not. I have tried Avon and Thirty- One Gifts, and while I love both companies. I ended up spending more money then I made. In my market, both are pretty saturated. They say if you take your population of your area, figure out 10% and that is how many consultants can successfully be in your area. While they do keep track of the number of consultants, they do not limit the amount of consultants. Some direct sales companies do. So if you find a company you like be sure to ask that. I know people with Thirty-One Gifts pulling down 4-5 figures a month selling.

I have also tried a health and wellness company. I LOVE the product, it really helped me stabilize my blood sugars, and while I lost inches on it, the weight was not coming off. It was also pretty expensive $180 a month, which they will tell you to give up your daily vise and you can pay for that. but as I stated above, I don't have a daily vise to give up. People are also really skeptical about anything health and wellness related. The way you are trained to sell the product was post in Facebook groups. Which some groups do not allow, some people get down right nasty, some moderators get down right rude. All the consultants are selling to Facebook groups, so again it gets really competitive. And one of their tricks is to go to your fellow consultants Facebook, see what groups they are in, and then post in that group. So its kind of sneaky to me as well. Again I love the company, and its a growing one. I know people giving up their day jobs and only selling the products who are making solid 5 figures a month.

Loans- people borrow against their home, their 401k, or take out massive credit card debt. I think this is completely irresponsible and not something I am willing to do. While I have faith in my surgeon and his team, and I have complete and other faith in the process and that it is safer then gallbladder surgery-which I have already had- you just never know what is going to happen. There are some patients who can't not work afterward, there are some who are in debilitating pain the rest of their life. I can't take a chance and borrow additional money, when there is that chance. Especially the 401k because retirement is so very important. I also want to make sure my daughter and any future kids I may have, are set up for good education, and that we can enjoy retirement eventually. I personally do not like this option, however there are several people who do find this option appealing. Be sure to read the fine print and watch your interest rates. Especially on Unsecured loans.

Host a garage sale. These are great money makers if you have things people want. In my area a lot of people are looking for kids clothes, baby items, and antiques that they can buy cheap and flip. If you are like me and do not have a garage or yard to have a sale in. You can post it in Facebook Market Place. There are also several apps available like LetGO that you can sell your stuff on. It is also a great time to declutter before your surgery. You are starting out fresh, and the idea of a decluttered house,  appeals to the neat freak in me. Imagine coming home to a clean and decluttered home, so you can just relax and recover. Sounds heavenly to me.

I am also creative. I love to paint and make mesh wreathes. If there is something you are good at try selling your goods. I believe I will be doing this so stay tuned for that update.

In any case, most people are going to need to pay something for their bariatric surgery, whether its the actual surgery, the co-pays, or just the after care from it. Vitamins are a life long commitment after surgery.  With little to no regulations on insurance and what they are required to cover for surgery, creative ways to come up with money to help pay for surgery are important.

Food, Sabotage, and Being Selfish

I want to lose weight so badly. I want to be skinnier, and healthier, I want to beat my diabetes, my sleep apnea, and my PCOS.  I picture myself walking down the beach hand in hand with Greg and Sophie, my feet tickled by the waves, my hair blowing gently in the wind and I can walk for miles.  I picture myself running the track with my Special Olympics' athletes instead of waiting at the start line during practices. I picture myself walking into JcPennys' Khols, or other stores and going right to a dress I like and finding it in my size. Not wishing they made it in plus sized. I picture myself shopping at these places and actually enjoying the clothes instead of feeling like a frumpy old grandma.  I picture myself being able to bend down and tie my shoes without feeling out of breath.

I want this badly. I tell everyone when they ask about how I am doing on this journey, I am impatient! I would have the surgery tomorrow if I could. Today would be better. I can not wait for the the day I get my approval letter, for the day I schedule my surgery. In a perfect world my surgery will be covered at 100% and it will be done by my doctor of choice, Dr. McKenna at Aurora, on Monday February 18th 2019, at precisely 8:00 a.m. surgery will go fantastic, and I will be a beast up and walking by 5p.m. and discharged the next day. 

I can not wait for that to come to fruition.

However, I struggle. I struggle daily because I love carbs. My weakness is spaghetti and garlic bread. I mindlessly eat this meal till I feel bursting. I love french fries, and tacos, and Pepsi. I am struggling with this. I struggle because its all around me. I struggle because its there in front of me. I am offered soda on a daily basis.  Because currently we are living with my parents, I try to make a menu that is one affordable for 10 people, and two something everyone likes and will eat. I try to be considerate of others tastes and dislikes, as well as what they can and can not have.  This is hard to do. I try to make meals that are easily able to be changed to fit my needs. However sometimes, like this week, I am not in charge of the menu. So I struggle.  I struggle as pasta is a staple in my family, as is soda.

Some people eat for comfort. I get that. I do it when I am stressed- which this past six months have been full of stress. I do it when I am angry. These times I go for carb rich food. Doritos with spray cheese, peanut butter cup stuffed rice krispy treats, spaghetti, mac n cheese.  This is self sabotage.

I need to remember that no matter how I am feeling, no matter how stressed or angry I get, nothing is worth losing my health. This is my personal struggle. Something I need help with.

Sabotage can come in many forms, and many places. It can come from the well meaning family member who just wants you happy. Or maybe the insecure person who is afraid of your success. Or the selfish person who just doesn't care to take the time to learn. Or the well meaning spouse who sees your struggle and wants to reward your behavior, but is still stuck in the mindset that food is a reward.

As some one who struggles with food addiction, I have to change my mindset. Instead of living to eat, I need to eat to live. Meaning, food is just fuel to my body to be at its prime. It is not a reward, it is not a punishment.  I need to remember that. I need to chose good food like good proteins and veggies to give my body the best chance it has at being healthy. It means no more mindless eating. No more 64 oz Pepsi's. No more Doritos with spray cheese.

It also means I need to surround myself with people who support me. This is probably my number one outside need. Probably anyone's who is going through the surgery process, or making life style changes. A support system, a strong one. Some may ask what does this look like. A supportive person is there for me to vent on my frustrations and struggles, they listen, they encourage me to move on, and power through. A supportive person is there to listen to and celebrate my successes, whether it be a small one or a large hurdle I accomplished. A supportive person understands my food restrictions and does not comment on them. They understand carbs are a no no, straws, gum, and carbonation are all something I need to restrict. They understand that exercise is a daily need, just as important as the right food. They are the ones offering to go for a walk with me. The ones holding me accountable. They speak positivity instead of negativity. This can be done in person, in text, on messenger, on Facebook, Instagram, on my blog, a phone call email, letter.

Surrounding myself with positive people, and a strong support system, I need to move away from the negative people. The ones that are sabotaging either on purpose or who don't realize they are trying to sabotage. I have to do this for myself, for my family, for my daughter, so I can be around for a very long time.

Normally I am not a selfish person. I give of my time and other resources, sometimes hurting myself in the process, but for the next three years, I am going to have to become incredibly selfish so I can work on myself, so I can still give of my time and resources. My number one focus needs to be on myself. I think this right here, is going to be my greatest struggle. I enjoy helping people however I can. I will continue to do so, but instead of helping them as my number one focus, I need to shift that focus into helping me. I believe anyone going through this process needs to surround themselves with positive people, supportive people, they need to limit the exposure to the negative people, even if its family, and they need to be selfish. They need to worry about them, so they can take care of others.

On a plane they tell you that if the oxygen masks come down, you are to put your's on first, then help your child, or others. The reasoning is you help yourself first, your are strong and better equipped to help others. Focusing on your health is the same thing. We have to focus on ourselves, get healthy, and strong, and then we can help others.

Now I am not saying to go buck wild, and leave your responsibilities to the wayside. You still need to be a parent, wife, husband, co-worker, that is productive. Instead of volunteering to take that extra shift, use the time to work out. Instead of watching television with your family, go for a walk with your family, instead of going out for pizza to celebrate, make something healthy as a family. Instead of volunteering to bake brownies for the school bake sale, go exercise, and then offer to help with clean up, or make a donation.

I have to give myself permission to think about myself.  And sometimes that is okay.

Surgery Tools

Like everything else, this surgery needs certain things to help it be successful.
Me- the willing dedicated patient

Doctor- Dr. M.K. who will be preforming the surgery hopefully February 18, 2019.

Support System- Family/friends I hope to grow this circle.

Support for Sophie- We need someone or a team of someones, to help get Soph where we need her to be when we need her to be there. School, therapy, Special Olympics, cheer, are all things we are going to need to figure out, since I won't be able to drive for 2-6 weeks after the surgery.

Reading Materials- I will need books to read during recovery. I will also need other activities to do while recovering. I am thinking I will probably set up the entire 2019 bullet journal during recovery. I would also really like to learn how to successfully crochet.

Non Food Rewards- it is important to reward yourself (myself) for meeting goals I have set both before and after surgery. Since I am trying to be healthy it means rewarding myself with Peanut Butter Chocolate Ice Cream from Baskin Robbins, is a no go. So I need to figure out what I can reward myself with.

New Sneakers for all the walking I will be doing. Its a lot. I expect myself to be up and walking the same day after surgery.

Tiny Bariatric Silver

Warming Plate

Thermal Water Bottle

Electric Blanket- I've heard that people freeze after surgery. I live in Wisconsin, and plan on having my surgery 2/18/19, I am fully planning on freezing.

Air Fryer

Nutri Ninja- for all the protein shakes... although my program does not like them, I will still be on liquid diets for 2-6 weeks.

Small Plates- Small plates trick your mind into thinking you are eating more then you are actually eating.

4oz Containers, 6 oz Containers, 8 oz Containers- Reusable.

Gastric Cookbook filled with recipes for our new life.

Wireless Headphones

Body Pillow for after surgery for comfort and support.

Hats/ Scarves for after surgery to help with hair loss. or just a ton of gift cards/etc for extensions. Hair loss is one of my big fears. I already have hair loss due to my PCOS, and to me long hair is so feminine. With my lack of fertility.... anything that makes me feel more feminine is important to me, so my hair is super important.

Fuzzy Socks to keep feet warm in the hospital

Waterproof belt for walking/running

Food Scale

Ice Machine

Lots of good Hydrating Lotion. ( I love Hemp Sea Salt and Sandlewood)

Lots of goof hydrating lip gloss/chap stick

Gift-cards for clothing stores for after surgery. Will need clothes fast after surgery.

Stuff to Pamper myself with...

I do have an on going list on Amazon. I plan on asking for these items for Christmas

.  https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2KWZT6A4Y7D68?&sort=default

Surgery Bucket List

Not only do I have a "40 By 40" List.... I have a surgery bucket list. Right now as of 10/17/2018 at 11:00 p.m. I have only three things on this list. But these will be difficult to achieve.

1.) Sheetz hotdog with Chili --> the closest Sheetz to Green Bay is in Ohio, its like 400 miles away, and to get one I will either need to road trip to Ohio. Or get a friend or family member to send me one from Sheetz. These hot dogs were a staple for Greg and I when we first got married. They were delicious, cheap, and they filled us up. We would get four, along with a bag of Doritos Hot Salsa Chips, and I would mix Cherry Slurpie with 7-Up. For the two of us in 2002, it was a $8 meal. Great for newlyweds on a budget.
Jozwaiks pizza with family --> My family is seriously busy. Isn't everyone? There is hunting, basketball, racing, cheer, my grandma's surgery, and none of actually live in the same town. But it is also such a family staple. Funerals and celebrations are spent at Jozwaiks with my family taking up most of the dining room. Our loud boisterous laughter filling the air.

Margaritas with Meme--> Meme is my best friend. She has been there for me every time I needed her since I was a little girl. I have looked up to her. She makes me laugh, she makes me cry, and she seriously has gotten me through some of the worst things in my life. We used to spend so much time together, weekends shopping, weekends just hanging out watching lifetime movies, weekends doing yard work, road trips, laughing uncontrollably on the couch, weekends at the cabin. Since we have become moms, and our lives have gotten busier, it seems we are always just in passing, never really spending time together. So I'd love to spend sometime with Meme and our favorite beverage of margaritas. If we could do it poolside even better.

While this really isn't a bucket list item, it is a wish. I would love to have a "Good Bye Party" before surgery. At this party I would say good bye to 'The Ol' Fat Thigh" 'Sinora Cabenara" "Asta La vista Pizza" among other things. Basically a night with family and friends, right before my surgery, to kick off my new healthy life style, and officially put closure on my old life style.

40 By 40

On October 8th, I turned 36. I am starting the downward slide to 40. Although this may bother most. It does not me. One, I still feel like I am 23. I hope I act like I am 23 as well. Old enough to know better, but still to young to care.  I probably act more like a old grandmother, fussing over friends and family.  Two, I am excited for the next four years. I have goals I want to achieve, and I am taking steps to achieve them by 40.  I have 40 of those goals actually...  Along with my weight loss journey, I will also be documenting this as well. It kind of goes hand and hand with my weight loss journey.

40 By 40 1.) Adopt Sapphira 2.) build/purchase dream house 3.) Get to my goal weight and size 4.) have a healthy baby 5.) Renew vows in Scotland 6.) 4 published novels 7.) Autism book published 8.) Sell 200 vacations 9.) Go horse back riding 10.) Inspire Someone 12.) complete 40 random acts of kindness 13.) Host a Fancy Cocktail Party 14.) Host a Roaring 20s New Years Eve Party 15.) learn how to Crochet 16.) Be a birth Photographer 17.) Visit a Vineyard with Friends 18.) Color my hair Pink for Breast Cancer Awareness 19.) Romantic Picnic 20.) Visit a Renaissance Fair 21.) Bike Mackinac Island 22.) Stay on Mackinac Island 23.) Audition for Musical 24.) Take a Road Trip with my Best Friend 25.) Go to Disney World 26.) Go Ziplining 27.) See the Northern Lights 28.) Photograph the Northern Lights 29.) learn to ballroom dance 30.) Go Christmas Caroling 31.) See The Fairy Pools in Scotland 32.) Workout with the Fitness Marshal 33.) be in a pin up photo shoot 34.) Visit Italy-Meet Sofia’s Family 35.) Sleep in a Castle 36.) 40 random kind notes on strangers windshield 37.) Celebrate St.Patricks Day in Chicago 38.) Visit 20 states I’ve never been to. (Bringing my state count up to 40) 39.) invite someone without family to my family holiday dinner 40.) 40 volunteer hours in my church.

Faith, Fitness, and Truth

I recently read an article on Facebook about weight Loss. In it the author emphatically said "weight loss is in a person's control." There are no outside factors to weight gain except that fat people are lazy and eat to much. They firmly believed this and dismissed any medical evidence negating this. Medical evidence such as genes, thyroid disease, PCOS, or other factors such as medications and environment. The author firmly stated "You want to lose weight? Shut your mouth and exercise. No one is going to help you, not God, not a personal trainer, no one." At the end of the "article" was a plug from the author trying to sell a $7000.00 weight loss system. 

As ridiculous as most of the article was, there was some good points. To really lose weight, you need to want to lose weight. You have to have dedication to lose weight. Be dedicated to a work out schedule, to a new way of eating. You need to put in hard work, sweat, tears, and blood to lose weight. No one can do that for you. Even those of us who chose to use the tool of weight lose surgery. The surgeon doesn't go in, cut out the stomach and viola! Skinny. If only it was that easy. It's not, I have watched My 600 pound life, I have talked to patients who have had LapBand, The sleeve, and RNY.  

In fact I am on month four of a six month process to be approved for surgery. (More on this later) 

To qualify for the surgery first you need your regular doctor to refer to the program. Dr. C and I have had many conversations about my weight, and different options. Weight Loss was something we both wanted me to check out.  Most places have some sort of surgery seminar or meeting where they go through the surgery. From there I need to meet with dietitians and nurse practitioner every month, once a month for six months. There s also some sort of therapy component to the program. (I had to go once, do a test, and talk to the therapist.) There is blood tests, and sleep tests, and meetings with occupational or physical therapist, there is documentation of everything. Including everything I put into my mouth. There are vitamin regiments you need to start that you will be on the rest of your life. This is just the approval process.  

There is pre-operation which in most cases includes a liver shrinking diet, as well as a liquid diet for a certain amount of time. Then surgery- major surgery with at least a 1-2 night hospital stay, followed by more liquid diet, more therapy, walking daily. 

If you are a woman in child bearing years, you become instantly insanely fertile. Your body is going through major changes, so most programs do not want you to get pregnant with in the first 18-24 months. My personal program is I am required to go on 2 forms of birth control for two years. The plan at this time is Mirena inserted at the same time as my surgery. 

Patients put their lives on hold for this surgery. It is a major commitment, and major life change, for essentially a tool to HELP with weight loss. As a patient you need to be 100% committed to the program and have faith in the process. 

Faith... You hear this word probably on a daily basis. "Have faith in the process."  "I rely on my faith." "Have faith in me." But what does faith mean? According to dictonary.com there are two meanings of the word faith. 1.) complete trust or confidence in someone or something. 2.) Strong belief in God, or in the doctrines of a religion based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof. 

To lose weight or get healthy, you do need to believe in whatever program you chose to help you with your weight lose. There are many to chose from. Currently I am in the process of getting approved for weight loss surgery.  I am eating less carbs, drinks less soda, eating more veggies, choosing low fat over high fat. I am also reading "The Obesity Code" by Jason Fung. This book makes so much sense to me. This summer I was doing "Lazy Keto." By have switched to something similar only with out such high fat content. I've lost 25 pounds since January. Its a slow process but I believe in it. I have faith in it. 

You need to believe in your ability to exercise- to some degree. I fake it till I make it. I do water aerobics several times a week, I love it! It is hard for me, but I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Depending on the teacher it can be extremely intense. 

I have faith that along with good food choices, my exercises is going to help improve my health. 

I have faith that God may help me. He is not magically melting pounds off of me, that is not what I mean. But every time I feel discouraged, or upset. I say a little prayer. "God help me have the will power to make it through." I mutter this, and soon I find myself being complimented on my weight loss, or my increased energy. Something small, but something that gives me a little boost. Just like a little wink from God. 

So truth time. 

I've posted this on my Facebook page, so I apologize if you read this already. 

This summer I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and high blood pressure. Dr. C told me I would not make it to forty if I didn’t make some serious changes. I have. I’ve been trying to stay away from soda, and carbs, and exercising more.

I’ve done a lot of thinking and praying and have decided that I am going to do the RNY bariatric surgery. I am in the program now. My insurance has a ton of crazy requirements, so once I meet these the program will submit to my insurance for approval or denial. This will be around January. I am hoping I can have my surgery either late February or Early March.

I know some may feel this is the easy way, but believe me it’s not. I have to do a ton of things to even just get approved. It’s a tool to help me lose weight. A tool that I have faith in. I have faith in my doctors, and in my team to help me through this. 

The next year or so will be super emotional for me. It’s an emotional process. I will need a ton of support as it will be a totally different lifestyle then what I am used to. Family support is crucial to the program and they encourage family/friends to be an active part of the process. So if you ever want to come to meetings or appointments please let me know.

Please follow this blog with me on my journey. 

Beginning... Part 2

June 30^th 1:30 am…. I wake up covered in sweat. Gross. Its hot and humid, and my mother’s a/c barely works. Its cooler inside, but barely. Outside it’s a hot 90 degrees with a dew point of 70. Everything is sticky and hot. Greg’s pillow is soaked from the sweat pouring off of him.

I need to sleep. I have an exercise class at 7:30. And it is a tough one, that is also an hour long. I need my rest for it. But I am wide awake. I scroll through Instagram. A social media platform that I am new to. I still trying to learn it, and how to best use it.

2:30 rolls around, by now I am on Facebook scrolling through. Notifications pop up. Meme is on as well. I message her. “Why are you up?” She messages me at the same time with the same question. We both come back with a “Its F@#$ing hot out.” I crack a joke about her husband saying its only hot in Wisconsin one day a year. So, we should be good, right?

Soon our conversation turns to my recent efforts of weight loss.  She tells me she is proud of me, and I smile to myself. That is important. We talk about support I have in place. Which I have some. Not as much as I would like. Its really hard for a person to be truly supportive of your attempts to lose weight while they are sucking down a soda while eating pizza. Meanwhile there I am poking at a salad, drinking water. I love water, especially lemon water, or sparkling water. But I LOVE Pepsi.  And I except for the weird pizza in Vegas with sheep cheese and goat cheese on it, I have never found a pizza I didn’t like. I want to reach over and French kiss my husband just for a taste of pizza and soda.

Despite eating all the yummy food that I love, my husband is trying to be supportive. He is trying to encourage me to keep this up. So he isn’t all bad. And I am told my cravings will soon go away.

Its 3:30 now and still sleep alludes me. I am tired. I had a full day, but this heat is stifling. It’s the kind where you step out of the shower, dry off, only to get wet again. The air is thick and muggy. If we had a pool, I would be grabbing a float and heading into it right now.  I scroll through Pinterest now. Pinning things to try with Sophie, art projects that will make great Christmas gifts if I can find the time to make them, and low carb recipes.

I start thinking about the blog I want to start. Or should I say restart. I have two out there that I have started, and life has gotten in the way, and they have fallen to the way side. I want to restart one of them, as I want a place to come and share my weight loss journey. Which I have started and stopped before as well. I have been on the wagon, fell off the wagon, back on only to JUMP off the wagon, set on fire and roast smores over it, stuffing my face till I can no longer breath.

My life is beautiful chaos and I need something where I can write about it. Sharing with people, maybe making a few laugh. I love to make people laugh, I love to make people smile. I also want to blog as an accountability tool for this new lifestyle I am trying to lead. I am doing something similar on Instagram, posting about my workouts in the morning. But I want something more substantial.  A picture is worth a thousand words, but sometimes its not the right words. Sometimes I am positively glowing after a workout, but you don’t see the struggle I had during the work out. That I was out of breath and struggling to keep on moving.

I’ve started this journey before. It feels like a million times. The most recent was in 2014 when I got a trainer for myself as a birthday present. Unfortunately, I did what I always do and sabotaged myself. I did hurt my back, but then what? I’ve watched what I eat, and exercise sometimes. Every outing screaming at my husband “I need to lose weight” as struggle to find something to wear.

In 2016 I hurt my back again. This time extremely bad. Eight months of physical therapy, four injections of pain medications, traction, and chiropractic visits delayed me. Not to mention the prescription pain medications they pumped me full of. I watched my weight climb passed my highest ever. Unable to move with out extreme pain. I still have it, its not as bad. I’ve learned to breath through it. But sitting at a desk or a table for anything longer than an hour and I get antsy. Certain exercises hurt, and intimacy with my husband… well let’s say we’ve become creative in that department.

Fast forward two years- I have lost 15 pounds of the weight I have put on since my back injury. I go for my physical, I feel good. Not great but good. It’s the physical from hell. High blood pressure? Check! Sleep Apnea, Check. PCOS, Check. Diabetes type 2, Big fat check. My doctor. Dr. C. we will call him, clasped my hand and said words I dreaded to hear.

“If you want to see your 37^th birthday, you need to get this in control. You need to really work on this.”

37? That’s just a year and a couple months away. Who would be here for Sophie, who would be there for Greg? What about that second child we always talk about having “when my PCOS was under control.”

My doctor recommended a low carb diet with lots of healthy vegetables, he referred me to see a diabetic consultant, the bariatric clinic, and encouraged me to keep doing the water exercises I was doing. I immediately reached out to my Cysters, surely, they would have some advice. They did. One recommended the Obesity Code, which I am currently reading through.

I did go through the “why me” pity party. Its hard not to. I have seven siblings, and of the 8 of us 6 are girls. The two boys, while they are definitely  not stick skinny, they aren’t fat either.  My sister MK is skinny. She seems to be able to eat anything and never gain weight. Its been like that since I can remember. I can remember being at picnics, family outings, etc. My mother strictly limited my food, while MK was given carte blanche. I was told “don’t eat that you will get fat.” Which lead to me sneaking food, pop, and sometimes even beer. I was six and continued until about 10. Self conscious already, I grew even more so as breast developed, hips spread, and acne came. My mom, in a misguided attempt to help me, would make me stand back to back with her, and measure my hips against hers. Her hips were smaller than mine. She would say “you have a fat ass. You need to work on that. “The next minute she was dragging us off to McDonalds which was our meal pretty much every day. She would say, “Where else can I feed six kids on ten bucks?”  We would split a number two. In the summer, that was our meal for lunch and dinner.  I loved going to grandparents’ houses for home cooked meals. 

Once she went off to school, at night, I was in charge of the kids till my dad came home. That meant that I was also in charge of food. So mac n cheese, frozen pizza, sloppy joes and tator tots. Whatever I could cook. I would write out grocery lists for my dad, always including Sunkist Lemonade pop. My weight quickly ballooned up. At 17 I was over 200 pounds.

Since I now worked at a portrait studio, dinners were now pizzas ordered in. Aware of being judged for what I ate at school, I would skip breakfast and lunch, and eat two pieces of pepperoni pizza, and a breadstick. I did Taebo tapes in the morning and at night. I started working at a daycare and started slimming down.  I was excited, but it was not enough for me. I wanted to lose more. Also, I was getting horrific stomach cramps and horrible headaches all the time. My periods were never regular. I could go months without one.

By now I was living with my grandma and went to a doctor. I wanted a check up as I wanted birth control because I was planning on going to Virginia with Greg to meet his family.  This doctor told me the pain was in my head, and I was to young to have irregular periods. He never did a pap smear, or even examined me. Planned parenthood did that.  I got my birth control pills, and thought life was groovy.

Three months later I am married, (I eloped on that Virginia trip) living in Virginia, going to beauty school, eating the healthy way according the food pyramid, and working out every day. Yet I gained 60 pounds. I told Greg, “Something is wrong. Why am I gaining weight this way?” When I went home for a visit, everyone was shocked. By that time, I gained 100 pounds. I was now over my highest weight.  I did everything I could think of, I exercised, I reduced calories, I stopped eating fats, and sweets. Nothing was working. My period had stopped again.  My mom urged me to get a pregnancy test because I was feeling awful. It came back negative.

Six months later I was chatting with a girl at my new job. B was an amazing person. She was older than I was, I was the baby of the training class, she was smart, funny and understanding. One day over lunch, salads for both of us, I told her I wanted a baby so bad, but in my heart,  I thought something was wrong, because we never use birth control any more, I never have a period, and pregnancy tests keep coming up negative.

Her eyes widened. She wrote down the name of her doctor and urged me to go see him. She said, I think you have PCOS like me.  I smiled because she had a beautiful son. So hey if she had a baby so could I. I went home and researched it, my heart beating faster waiting for that dial up internet to do its thing. I was heartbroken. Infertility was a huge component for PCOS. 

At the time I was also planning a wedding for our friends and family to attend. I was super nervous and super stressed. It was June our wedding was in August. We met with the doctor, he ran some tests. June 23^rd we went back for the results. Before the results I told Greg, “If this comes back as positive, than I am calling off the wedding, we will get an annulment, I will go home, and you can 

marry someone who is a real woman and can give you kids.”  He scoffed.

It was confirmed. I had PCOS. I was heartbroken. I think I still am heartbroken over it. It was devastating to me. I remember crying from Big Stone Gap to Norton Virginia. Then blowing up at Greg as he said we were not getting an annulment, he still wanted me. We would figure the kids thing out. I still was mad, and refused to go into Walmart, where he went in and picked out the head piece I would wear for our wedding. We headed over to his Mamaw’s house which was filled with kids. A sucker punch to my gut.

The doctor had not been optimistic with me. He also did not give me a lot of instruction. “Quit eating ice cream and chips. You will be good.” But I didn’t eat ice cream and chips.

PCOS has a genetic component to it. If one person in the family has it, it is likely others will. I look at my sisters, and there are two that have confirmed diagnoses. I think it lays dormant until triggered. And in my thoughts- my NON MEDICALLY trained thoughts, Birth Control was the trigger for me.

So now its 2018, I still have PCOS, I still have infertility- fertility drugs never worked on me. I now have all those other nasty side effects, the acne, hair in weird places, yet I am losing the hair on my head. Can’t the hair on my belly and on my chin, stop growing in those places, and move to my head and start growing there? I also have hypertension and type 2 diabetes.  And now I am racing against the clock to get them fixed. I am trying with out medications. I’ve been on metformin before, and I never left the bathroom.  I don’t want a repeat of that.

5:30 am. Its still hot out. Sweat is pooling between my shoulder blades as I type this entry out. Soon my alarm will go off for me to go to class.  I don’t want to go. I want to crawl into the freezer with a blanket and fall into a deep sleep. But I need to go. NO excuses. I need to go for Sophie. I need to go for Greg, but most importantly I need to go for myself.